The other day, a friend alerted me that my Facebook account had a second, hidden inbox. (You can find yours by clicking on “Messages” and then on “Other.”) She told me she’d discovered lots of personal messages in her hidden inbox and urged me to make sure there wasn’t anything important in mine.
I am so glad she said something. Turns out I’d been missing all my bad pick-up emails.
Perhaps it’s cruel, but I just can’t resist sharing the loveliest of these little gems. The messages below are copied exactly as they appeared and have not been altered in any way. (I know that seems impossible, but trust me.) Names have been changed to protect the innocent.
Message #1: “Wow!that amazing face of you would knock any living soul of his feet.I guess you are not from this part of the planet or say you were born on a Sunday,cos you are definitely a missing angel from heaven.Anyway,u just caught my eyelashes with those delicate eyebrow coupled with the eyes.So,do i get the honor of meeting u?”
Which delicate eyebrow was it that caught your eyelashes? The other one is feeling kind of left out right now.
Message #2: Hi, hope i’ m doing the right thing here, lol. I’ m not comfortable with first approach bu i think i likes you and my eyes was cut by your pic. I’ m Collins, have no kid and single. I would love to know you if you wouldn’t mind. My profile is free for you to read , you can add me if it’s ok with you. I have to stop here till i heard from you , Have fun and feel embraced.
I apologize for cutting your eyes with my pic. Thank you for embracing me anyway.
Message #3: Hello Adorable Angel. How are you doing today and it is really nice to meet you…I’m John Thomas By name.I am from new york,brooklyn but willing to relocate..I am a widower ,I am tired of being alone.. I believe there is still so much to offer that special woman in my life. Laughter is such a great medicine and deserves to be prescribed every day. I have one wonderful son I cherish very much. I enjoy all that new york has to offer and love to travel. I would like to meet a woman who is not afraid to speak her mind. One that is aggressive and knows what she wants in life. I love children If your humor is bold please toss me a line! I know that this is a very cumbersome thing for us all to do but know that if we do not take.Am new to the online dating stuff,I was introduce by a good friend Fanny who i lost months ago.Dedicate this to her by registered this site with her name to remember…I’ll like to know you and chat with you more..
You’re right. This is rather cumbersome.
And the crowning glory:
Message #4: hey, i may not be using the right words… but believe me, i’d really like to know you more, because you are the dream of every man who knows the true meaning of beauty, your smile on this picture is so cute and your skin glows like the Chinese lantern. hope to hear from you soon, it takes two to tangle. fondest heart, joseph
I mean… I just… I have no words for that. *silently glows like a Chinese lantern*
Have a bad pick-up email to share? Leave it in comments. After all, it takes two to tangle.
Shannon Dittemore says
How did I not know this other inbox existed?! Just for you Alison, here's the bestest from mine… oh goodness….
Hello sweetie, I'm a single father of my only son, i'm looking for a very simple decent and God fearing woman to settle the rest of my life with if you don't mind been a black Decent man….I'm interested in you…I'll be looking forward to hear from you soon.
I have zero pick-up emails. What, does my face not glow enough?!? Grammar-challenged men of the world, am I too cumbersome for you? (The answer, by the way, is YES.)
In other news, these are truly awesome.
Kiera Stewart says
Apparently, I haven't caught anyone's eyelashes, or tempted anyone to tangle, or impressed anyone with lantern-like glowing…but wow, what an amazing find! I had no idea of this secret inbox! 🙂
Kiera Stewart says
Wait! Wait! I FOUND ONE!
u r so lovely and wonderfull woman
i love to be your friend
But, really? No talk of eye-cutting or angels or lanterns. Does he really expect me to feel embraced? THE BAR IS MUCH HIGHER THAN THAT, HASAN!
Sarah Meadows says
"Have you looked at my profile? It says I'm interested in women…and Jesus Christ, YOU are a woman.
Ummmm…..thanks for being able to distinguish my gender. I think I'll go bleach my brain now, put on my rattiest sweats, and watch season two of Sex and the City.