People always talk about experiencing culture shock when they come back to the United States after spending time in another country. They talk about resocialization after people have spent time in prison. But no one ever talks about the shocking transition writers must go through when they’ve spent three months in the revisions cave and then reemerge into normal society. Writers, I hear your cries for help. I will not turn my back on your plight. I’ve recently had such an experience myself, and I know how difficult it can be to reenter society after such a long time in isolation. Just for you, I’ve created a handy-dandy guide to resocialization. Use it wisely.
1) Dig yourself out
Even if you’ve only spent a few weeks in the revisions cave, chances are you are currently surrounded by an ocean of empty takeout containers, filthy laundry, crusty dishes, and tissues you used to sop up your revision-induced tears. Be sure to put on shoes or rain boots before you try to make your way to the door—chances are you will step on at least one half-full container of week-old Chinese food. Gather a box of trash bags and a snow shovel and return to your work space. If you wear glasses or contacts, take them off; you probably don’t want to see this too clearly. Wrap a bandana over your nose and mouth. Then use the shovel to push the detritus into the bags. “But shouldn’t I keep my dishes?” you may ask. If they are still recognizable as dishes, you may be able to salvage them after a week-long soak in the sink. If they more closely resemble moss-covered rocks, just throw them away. There are lots of dishes in the world. You can get new ones.
2) Reacquaint yourself with that magical place called Outside
Put on dark sunglasses to protect your fragile writer eyes, then step out the front door. I know, it’s scary, but you’re going to have to do it eventually. Walk to the nearest park and take an inventory of your surroundings. Are there leaves on the trees? Are there flowers? Is it snowing? Do you see children in Halloween costumes? These things will give you clues about what season it is and make it easier to calculate how long you have been in the cave. It’s okay, you don’t have to talk to anyone. Now that you’ve done a thorough visual inspection, you can retreat to your home and take some deep breaths.
3) Practice using your voice
Aside from the occasional angry rant at a character who’s not cooperating, you probably haven’t used your voice in quite some time. Practice stringing words together at home before you try to do it in public; it may not go smoothly right at the beginning. Singing in the shower is an excellent way to ease back in, as it allows you to exercise your vocal cords but does not require you to think up original things to say. If it has been months since you’ve spoken, you may sound like a eighty-year-old pack-a-day smoker at first, but do not despair. Drink lots of lemon tea with honey and use a humidifier, and you’ll sound mellifluous again in no time.
4) Make a list of things to talk about other than writing
The first time you see your friends again after an extended stint in the cave, they will probably ask you something akin to, “What’s new in your life?” It will be tempting to answer, “80,000 words,” because let’s face it, that IS the only new thing in your life. However, laymen only have one response to a word-count announcement: “How many pages is that?” You will quickly grow tired of answering this question, so it’s best to guide the conversation in another direction from the start.
“But I have nothing else to talk about!” you may say. This, my friend, is what public radio podcasts are for. Sure, you haven’t left the house in three months, but you will sound really interesting if you say, “Did you hear about that doctor who strangled his father and cut off his fingers and then tried to represent himself in court? Did you know there’s a whole society in Verona that answers letters people write to Shakespeare’s Juliet about their love problems?” If you’re behind on current events, “Wait Wait, Don’t Tell Me” can help you out with that. Granted, you may not be able to talk about the news without throwing in some inappropriate jokes, but it’s better than sounding uninformed. Write all your non-writing topics on notecards and keep them in your purse in case you panic and blank.
5) Rejoin society
You can do it. Sit at a table with some people you like. Drink things. Eat things. Tell your public radio stories. Laugh. Have conversations that go nowhere and would make really bad dialogue because it doesn’t matter, nobody is going to remember them or read them. Marvel at that fact. Drink more things.
6) Come home and tweet to other writers about how weird it felt to rejoin society
Yes, going out into society again was enjoyable, but you may feel a bit like a veteran who has just come home from the war—in theory, people know what you’ve been through, but they don’t really Know What You’ve Been Through. But it’s okay. There are lots of people out there who do get it. They know exactly how much 80,000 words is and exactly how proud of you they should be because you created them. They’ll tell you about how weird it was for them to rejoin society after a long stint in the cave. They’ll tell you it’ll be easier tomorrow. And it will be.
7) Sleep for a very long time. You deserve it.