Leggings Are Not Pants

You’ve probably all seen Adam Mansbach’s and Ricardo Cortes’s “children’s book for grown-ups,” Go the F**k to Sleep, which was published back in June. Based on their smashing success, I’ve decided to write a grown-up children’s book of my own in order to address a very serious issue: women wearing leggings as pants.

 

Now, I’m not talking about yoga pants, which are generally made of thicker material. I’m talking about those leggings that are so thin, you can see straight through them to the pattern on the woman’s underwear. Two of my friends are so distressed by this trend that they’ve considered setting up Pants Distribution Centers on corners, stocked with pairs of complimentary pants for women who have “forgotten” theirs and informational pamphlets on how to use them.

Julia and Laura—and all the rest of you who find yourselves confronted with this horrifying fashion faux pas on a daily basis—this is for you.

——-

LEGGINGS ARE NOT PANTS

by Alison Cherry

There’s one way you can guarantee
I’ll look at you askance,
And that is wearing leggings
As if they were normal pants.

 

Yes, leggings have their uses!
They are very versatile!
But wearing them as if they’re jeans
Will never be in style.

 

Yes, wear them when you exercise!
They’re great for modern dance.
They’re perfect for your yoga class,
But leggings are not pants.

 

Yes, wear them when you go to bed!
They’re comfortable and stretchy!
And when you’re under blankets,
You can look a little sketchy.

 

Yes, wear them with a flirty dress
While looking for romance!
They stand in very well for tights—
But leggings are not pants.

 

Don’t wear them with a T-shirt
That ends just below your gut!
They’re better with a sweater
That extends below your butt.

We all can see your lacey thong,
It barely takes a glance;
It shows right through your leggings
(Which are certainly not pants.)

 

And please avoid metallics!
Though they are not quite as sheer,
That shiny, wet look doesn’t make your
Fat rolls disappear.

 

The French are famous for their style,
And if you go to France,
You won’t see ladies substituting
Leggings for their pants.

 

If you’re not geriatric
Or below the age of ten,
If you’re not nine months pregnant
And expecting god-knows-when,

 

If you’re not learning trapeze skills
That dazzle and entrance,
Your need a freaking zipper
Or some buttons on your pants.

 

So, what’s the lesson that we learn
From these frenetic rants?

Though they are great in many ways,
YOUR LEGGINGS ARE NOT PANTS.

——-

So, who wants to be my illustrator?

A brief note to my British friends: sorry, I know the word “pants” means something rather different to you! I was going to try to write you your own version, but I couldn’t think of anything that rhymed with “trousers” except “browsers” and “carousers.”

 

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