You’ve probably all seen Adam Mansbach’s and Ricardo Cortes’s “children’s book for grown-ups,” Go the F**k to Sleep, which was published back in June. Based on their smashing success, I’ve decided to write a grown-up children’s book of my own in order to address a very serious issue: women wearing leggings as pants.
Now, I’m not talking about yoga pants, which are generally made of thicker material. I’m talking about those leggings that are so thin, you can see straight through them to the pattern on the woman’s underwear. Two of my friends are so distressed by this trend that they’ve considered setting up Pants Distribution Centers on corners, stocked with pairs of complimentary pants for women who have “forgotten” theirs and informational pamphlets on how to use them.
Julia and Laura—and all the rest of you who find yourselves confronted with this horrifying fashion faux pas on a daily basis—this is for you.
LEGGINGS ARE NOT PANTS
by Alison Cherry
There’s one way you can guarantee
I’ll look at you askance,
And that is wearing leggings
As if they were normal pants.
Yes, leggings have their uses!
They are very versatile!
But wearing them as if they’re jeans
Will never be in style.
Yes, wear them when you exercise!
They’re great for modern dance.
They’re perfect for your yoga class,
But leggings are not pants.
Yes, wear them when you go to bed!
They’re comfortable and stretchy!
And when you’re under blankets,
You can look a little sketchy.
Yes, wear them with a flirty dress
While looking for romance!
They stand in very well for tights—
But leggings are not pants.
Don’t wear them with a T-shirt
That ends just below your gut!
They’re better with a sweater
That extends below your butt.
We all can see your lacey thong,
It barely takes a glance;
It shows right through your leggings
(Which are certainly not pants.)
And please avoid metallics!
Though they are not quite as sheer,
That shiny, wet look doesn’t make your
Fat rolls disappear.
The French are famous for their style,
And if you go to France,
You won’t see ladies substituting
Leggings for their pants.
If you’re not geriatric
Or below the age of ten,
If you’re not nine months pregnant
And expecting god-knows-when,
If you’re not learning trapeze skills
That dazzle and entrance,
Your need a freaking zipper
Or some buttons on your pants.
So, what’s the lesson that we learn
From these frenetic rants?
Though they are great in many ways,
YOUR LEGGINGS ARE NOT PANTS.
So, who wants to be my illustrator?
A brief note to my British friends: sorry, I know the word “pants” means something rather different to you! I was going to try to write you your own version, but I couldn’t think of anything that rhymed with “trousers” except “browsers” and “carousers.”
Bethany Myers says
Hilarious! Loved this.
Emma Pass says
Hahahahaha! No need to apologise for the use of the word 'pants'… I get what you mean EXACTLY. *shudders*
Lisa Shambrook says
Yup, we definitely get it over here in the UK…We get a lot of larger ladies adorning their butts in them…not flattering. Brilliant piece!
Rachele Alpine says
Okay, this cracked me up! I love it! I think we might need to print it out and hang it up all over NYC. I was just there a few weeks ago and it seems like half the city might learn something from your poetry. Even if you tuck them into trendy knee high boots…they are not pants!
Shannon Dittemore says
I read your posts and almost pee my pants. Every time. You should be a writer. You know that, right?
Hilarious, and SO TRUE!
Have you seen the "Am I Wearing Pants" flowchart? http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/05/05/am-i-wearing-pants_n_858179.html It would be an awesome illustration to go with your children's book!
LOL. This is awesome. I hate leggings. I survived the 80s as a kid and had zero desire to wear them again. Why don't women just say no? I will tolerate them under skirts but as pants–NO!
I had been wearing a great deal of very shiny leggings that revealed my lacy thongs, but — thanks to your wise warning — I've finally put on pants!
(This was hilarious!)
Kiera Stewart says
I'm still checking my butt in the mirror.
🙂 LOVE THIS POST and I think you should just scatter it with random photos similar to the one you have above and call it an adult picture book. (Hmm…or would that mean something else entirely?)