Alison Cherry Books

Middle Grade and Young Adult Author of Red, For Real, and other books.

  • Home
  • Books
  • Events
  • Contact
  • F.A.Q.
  • Bio
  • Blog

Leggings Are Not Pants

March 5, 2012 By Alison Cherry

You’ve probably all seen Adam Mansbach’s and Ricardo Cortes’s “children’s book for grown-ups,” Go the F**k to Sleep, which was published back in June. Based on their smashing success, I’ve decided to write a grown-up children’s book of my own in order to address a very serious issue: women wearing leggings as pants.

 

Now, I’m not talking about yoga pants, which are generally made of thicker material. I’m talking about those leggings that are so thin, you can see straight through them to the pattern on the woman’s underwear. Two of my friends are so distressed by this trend that they’ve considered setting up Pants Distribution Centers on corners, stocked with pairs of complimentary pants for women who have “forgotten” theirs and informational pamphlets on how to use them.

Julia and Laura—and all the rest of you who find yourselves confronted with this horrifying fashion faux pas on a daily basis—this is for you.

——-

LEGGINGS ARE NOT PANTS

by Alison Cherry

There’s one way you can guarantee
I’ll look at you askance,
And that is wearing leggings
As if they were normal pants.

 

Yes, leggings have their uses!
They are very versatile!
But wearing them as if they’re jeans
Will never be in style.

 

Yes, wear them when you exercise!
They’re great for modern dance.
They’re perfect for your yoga class,
But leggings are not pants.

 

Yes, wear them when you go to bed!
They’re comfortable and stretchy!
And when you’re under blankets,
You can look a little sketchy.

 

Yes, wear them with a flirty dress
While looking for romance!
They stand in very well for tights—
But leggings are not pants.

 

Don’t wear them with a T-shirt
That ends just below your gut!
They’re better with a sweater
That extends below your butt.

We all can see your lacey thong,
It barely takes a glance;
It shows right through your leggings
(Which are certainly not pants.)

 

And please avoid metallics!
Though they are not quite as sheer,
That shiny, wet look doesn’t make your
Fat rolls disappear.

 

The French are famous for their style,
And if you go to France,
You won’t see ladies substituting
Leggings for their pants.

 

If you’re not geriatric
Or below the age of ten,
If you’re not nine months pregnant
And expecting god-knows-when,

 

If you’re not learning trapeze skills
That dazzle and entrance,
Your need a freaking zipper
Or some buttons on your pants.

 

So, what’s the lesson that we learn
From these frenetic rants?


Though they are great in many ways,
YOUR LEGGINGS ARE NOT PANTS.

——-


So, who wants to be my illustrator?

Uglyleggings

A brief note to my British friends: sorry, I know the word “pants” means something rather different to you! I was going to try to write you your own version, but I couldn’t think of anything that rhymed with “trousers” except “browsers” and “carousers.”

 

Perfect places to order medications

Filed Under: Uncategorized

Comments

  1. Bethany Myers says

    March 5, 2012 at 3:11 pm

    Hilarious! Loved this.

  2. Emma Pass says

    March 5, 2012 at 3:35 pm

    Hahahahaha! No need to apologise for the use of the word 'pants'… I get what you mean EXACTLY. *shudders*

  3. Lisa Shambrook says

    March 5, 2012 at 3:41 pm

    Yup, we definitely get it over here in the UK…We get a lot of larger ladies adorning their butts in them…not flattering. Brilliant piece!

  4. Rachele Alpine says

    March 5, 2012 at 4:45 pm

    Okay, this cracked me up! I love it! I think we might need to print it out and hang it up all over NYC. I was just there a few weeks ago and it seems like half the city might learn something from your poetry. Even if you tuck them into trendy knee high boots…they are not pants!

  5. Shannon Dittemore says

    March 5, 2012 at 7:51 pm

    I read your posts and almost pee my pants. Every time. You should be a writer. You know that, right?

  6. Issy says

    March 6, 2012 at 3:04 am

    Hilarious, and SO TRUE!

    Have you seen the "Am I Wearing Pants" flowchart? http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/05/05/am-i-wearing-pants_n_858179.html It would be an awesome illustration to go with your children's book!

  7. Kourtney says

    March 6, 2012 at 5:08 am

    LOL. This is awesome. I hate leggings. I survived the 80s as a kid and had zero desire to wear them again. Why don't women just say no? I will tolerate them under skirts but as pants–NO!

  8. Kristen says

    March 7, 2012 at 10:35 pm

    I had been wearing a great deal of very shiny leggings that revealed my lacy thongs, but — thanks to your wise warning — I've finally put on pants!

    (This was hilarious!)

  9. Kiera Stewart says

    March 7, 2012 at 11:08 pm

    I'm still checking my butt in the mirror.
    🙂 LOVE THIS POST and I think you should just scatter it with random photos similar to the one you have above and call it an adult picture book. (Hmm…or would that mean something else entirely?)

Archives

  • June 2016
  • December 2014
  • November 2014
  • October 2014
  • June 2014
  • May 2014
  • March 2014
  • January 2014
  • December 2013
  • November 2013
  • October 2013
  • September 2013
  • August 2013
  • July 2013
  • June 2013
  • May 2013
  • April 2013
  • March 2013
  • February 2013
  • January 2013
  • December 2012
  • November 2012
  • October 2012
  • September 2012
  • August 2012
  • July 2012
  • June 2012
  • May 2012
  • April 2012
  • March 2012
  • February 2012
  • January 2012
  • December 2011
  • November 2011
  • October 2011

Recent Posts

  • Kidlit Authors as Theater Kids GAME AND GIVEAWAY!
  • Best reads of the year, 2014 edition!
  • 2014 book-buying and reading stats!
  • FOR REAL blog tour link roundup!
  • The Ten Most Bizarre Reality Shows of All Time

Categories

  • Uncategorized