I was an angsty six-year-old

I spent the last four days at my mom’s house in Chicago. The day I got there, my mom presented me with a binder in which she had collected some of the highlights of my childhood writing.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you an anthology of works by Alison, ages 3-6.

I want to assure you all that I have improved since then.

—

“Mr. Green Pepper” (dictated at age 3)

Once upon a time, there was a green pepper named Mister. That Mr. Green Pepper liked to eat other green peppers and also liked to go to museums for ice cream. One day, he typed on a typewriter that was left outside. She was a very good typer that could type on broken typewriters. One day, she decided she would get a notebook for her own. The end.

 

“Mr. Pizza” (dictated at age 3)

Once upon a time, there was a Mr. Pizza named Albert. One day, he died, and he didn’t want to die very much. He couldn’t see, he couldn’t do, he couldn’t move. What was that Mr. Pizza to do? So he had an idea. He tied a rope to the end of his box, and he tied a rope to himself, and he tried to move. And that didn’t work. His hands were down by his sides, his legs were curled around his head, and his hair was fluffying in the box. His body was on his back, and he didn’t want to be that way. The end.

 

“Mrs. Cake” (dictated at age 3)

Once upon a time, there was a Mrs. Cake. She went to a friend’s house. She wasn’t careful about electricity. She went up, and then she zapped her finger into the socket. Is that a very good thing to do at all, Mommy? The end.

 

“Celery Wears Overalls” (dictated at age 4)

Celery wore overalls,
Celery wore pants,
Celery wore a suit of gray,
Celery learned to dance.
Celery learned to do the things
That people sometimes do,
But OOPS! But CLUNK! But BOOPS! But DUNK!
This is the work of you.

 

“I’ll Give You?” (age 6)

I’ll give you a nickle if you give me a dime.
I’ll give you a lemon if you give me a lime.
I’ll give you an apple if you give me pie.
I’ll give you you if you’ll give me I.

 

And now for my all-time favorite. I typed the following on my mom’s typewriter when I was 6. I have left all line breaks and spelling intact.

—

i wish
i wish
i wish
i cod
do lots
ov hard
things
that ill
nevr be
abol to
do i
wish things
wood hapin
wen thay
wont a
lot ov hard
things hapin
wen i dont
wont them to
life is
vary hard

 

A Continuing Challenge of Counterfeit Remedies